Some moments of national calamity are indelibly impressed upon our memories. Who among us will forget where we were when we heard that terrorists had crashed planes into the World Trade Center?
Similarly, I will never forget the moment I learned that civil terrorists were threatening everything I love and hold dear. It was October 27, 2018. I had just gone through the Runza drive through, and had ravished a tasty beef pocket right there in my car. To be clear to all you filthy minded sinners out there, by ravishing a beef pocket I mean ingesting Nebraska's signature savory pastry. After this moment of gluttony I got out my flagellant and was looking for a place to pull over to mortify my flesh in penance, when what did my eyes behold? To this day I can hardly speak of it. There, on the side of the road, where I had placed one of my largest and best campaign signs, I saw that terrorists had come to our peaceful city.
They had used an adhesive product to affix two googly eyes onto my noble visage, the very face of Lincoln itself. And with a strip of white tape the savages had vandalized my name and reputation by making the sign say Jeff Fartenberry. I was so overcome I scarcely noticed the bottom, which they had wantonly mutilated into saying "Strong Odor."
I called the Lincoln Police Department at once and insisted on a full criminal investigation, complete with evidence collection and fingerprint analysis. Meanwhile, when the hooligans at Seeing Red Nebraska posted a photo of the crime, I saw that an employee of our state's university had "liked" it. Can you imagine this? In this moment when our entire community is under attack, a public employee and reputable "professor" indicated he approved of the terror that besieged us! At once my Congressional Chief of Staff, celibate gynecologist Reyn Archer, got on the horn—or should I say "made a few phone calls" to avoid any filthy-minded connotations—and went to work protecting our state from terrorist sympathizers. Reyn emailed the Dean and Chancellor of the University to alert them to the moral degenerate who had laughed at this suffering, and personally scolded the professor himself.
Eventually, when the boys in blue wrote a citation to one of the terrorists after hours of investigatory work I had insisted upon, I withdrew my cooperation from the case because I sent the message I had wanted to send: Nobody terroristically mocks my authority. All over the nation, my decisive action against violent civil terror was applauded.
